Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Fucked

And once again everything feels so hopeless and just so completely fucked up, its just fucking amazing how quickly myself i can fuck over and then again corrupt, so much fucking energy and effort i put into getting clean and a fucking week later its as if that excersize has never even been, straight back into this fucking routine of heroin, hate and hell, even starting to doubt if time will really tell...
With myself im so fucking angry, pissed off, totally annoyed, competely frustrated to the point of boiling blood, you cant even explain what the fuck im experiencing - all you know it is this huge heavy negative flood. Rushing and flooding through your head and just so badly fucking with your mind, and then to all the good in your life you are totally fucking blind. It gets so much that it actually starts manifesting physically, i mean how fucking annoyed at youself can you be?...
Why the fuck cant i get rid of this last little fucking binding tie, i mean how many more times do i still have to try, putting myself through a week of hell maybe once every month or so, after that fucking week ive even let all my other vices go. Really so much fucking pain and unneccasary crap im actually putting myself through, then i just fuck it up again but i know what the right thing is to do...
Is it maybe cause i like this fucking pain and feel comfortable in heroin addiction's misery and sadness? Maybe cause it shuts my mind up and blocks out all lifes horse-shit and all the fucking madness? Really fucking torn between two realities and they're both so cuntingly harsh and hard, maybe the fucking goals i set are so high that to prevent dissapointment im using this as a reason not to start? Whatever the twisted nature of the situation or plain and simple solution may be, i must open my fucking eyes for a change and not just look BUT SEE...

'A display of patience, Disease-covered Puget Sound, She'll come back as fire, To burn all the liars, Leave a blanket of ash on the ground.
Well I miss the comfort in being sad, I miss the comfort in being sad'

Nirvana - Frances Farmer will have her revenge on Seattle

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