Friday, 29 June 2012

Hidden love

Once again on a fucking mission to go and score; your one part is shouting NO! but another part of you is seducing you and whispering 'just one more'. How the fuck do you outwit the most skilled opponent you've ever trained and met? Cause this really looks like the perfect recipe for a huge disaster and lots of regret. After years of training and teaching yourself new tricks: Its gotten so fucking easy to bullshit and con yourself into going to get a fix...
So how, when and where are you gonna survive? How much longer can one person for sobriety strive? How much longer can you lie to yourself while keeping a straight face? How many more times yourself can you misplace? Constantly losing yourself along the way, i promise you that by itself this fucking disease wont just go away. You really have to bite the bullet and hold the fuck on, and not just for a while but for fucking long...
Not for a second can you lose focus, get angry and flip - cause in that moment of weakness all your hard work will be in vain after the smallest and most minute slip. From captain recovery to junkie deluxe in that one moment you were weak, and take my word for it with yourself youll be pissed off, annoyed and fucking bleak. That one single fuckup really happens so fast; but the after effect is a problem that for quite a while will last. And then my friend you are right back at square fucking one: and you cant even lie to yourself and or pretend that anything about being stuck here again is at all and in any way fun...

'Listen to me, child, I am what I am and you, you are my only son. Well, I found a silver needle, I put it into my arm. It did some good,did some harm. But the nights were cold and it almost kept me warm, how come the night is long?'

Leonard Cohen - The Butcher

1 comment:

  1. I love the Cohen quote, he's a legend.
    You/we can't outwit it . . . That's where I agree with N/A's first step, although it doesn't have to be done within N/A; realising we are powerless and that it's a spirtual illness. Finding a higher power (not in a religious way) and one day at a time asking it to remove the "desire" . . . All I know is when I stick with that, I stay clean . . . and when I don't, I dont.
    So why don't I stick with that?? Well, if I could answer that . . .
    Stay strong, focus on the four days that you did, try again. I know it can be exhausting.

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