Sunday, 24 June 2012

Yet another fuckup?

From a clear mind, a sorta semi-positive outlook on life and a faint glimmer of hope. As the shit hit the fan again - old habits die hard so: back to shooting dope. For once it felt like everything was starting to come right, then false hope and pain initiated inside me this hugely unfair fight. With all this shit inside of me thats just brewing and building, my junkie-mentality can only focus on one thing. This obsession with a needle started running over and over through my head, not even concidering all the shit that by taking this hit i'll get...
Conveniently forgetting about how it suks dick to go cold turkey, and at the end of the day the only motherfucker im screwing over again is me. A million and one reasons to wanna be alive; yet i climb right to the top of the divingboard and without hesitation straight back into hell i made a 10 point swan-dive. Clasically taking the first leap to once again start fucking up my life; and with golden lined letters inviting back into my life all the same old strife. I really do know how hard myself i am screwing yet i dont have a clue as to why the fuck this i am doing...
Maybe the bigger picture - fucked up emotions and not knowing how to handle pain? Maybe just to fuck myself over and prevent myself from regaining my mind again? What ever the excuse or answer may be, either im to fucking blind or ignorant to see? Maybe one day understanding will come my way? maybe one day i can get this fucking addiction to go away? Cause untill that day the only thing ill be doing, is over and over again myself fucking and screwing...

'I got my head but my head is unraveling. Can't keep control can't keep track of where it's traveling. I got my heart but my heart's no good, you're the only one that's understood. I come along but I don't know where you're taking me, I shouldn't go but you reaching back and shaking me. Turn off the sun, pull the stars from the sky - the more i give to you the more i die'

NIN - The Perfect Drug

2 comments:

  1. I don't know what to say, or even why I'm commenting. I don't even know if you want comments . . . not everyone does.
    All I can say, is I know how hard this is. I keep going back after four of five days, sometimes after only one day . . . and I can't see why, for the very life of me.
    Your Ex is beautiful, (I have to presume she's your ex and you still love her) You are a good looking lad . . . maybe she made you choose, I don't know . . . I'm glad I've never had to make a choice between that and my kids. Cus as much as every one says "Surely they (my kids/your ex/ hundreds of other kids and exes) are worth stopping for??" And we know the answer is "YES, of course they are worth stopping it for, BUT . . ."
    It aint that easy . . . And people who have never been on it will just never see, they can't see, why we can't just fucking STOP . . . especially while we keep saying that we want to stop. Fucked up indeed.
    I so hope you get through this, four days is huge, massive x

    ReplyDelete
  2. i actually do read my comments and every now and again ill 'bless' :-) someone with a reply. Thank you for that '4 days is massive' cause most people will think: 'wht the fuck?? 4 days?? Youre joking rite? Whoopi-fucking-doo, 4days! Shame'.the sad thing is that its not abour choosing, theyll nevr undrstnd cause they dont understand is that they if i had complete control & evn without it they/she is still ontop of my list yet insecurities is a bit of a bitch and apparently me killing myself which sorta makes sense. Njoy ur day

    ReplyDelete