Saturday, 2 June 2012

Another huge fucking sigh

Running home to take a another fucking hit, even sadder than that reality is that im not even im the mood for it? Yet my legs are carrying me as fast as they can go, my head shouting out cries of: DONT! and NO!! Swearing at myself with words quite fucking vile, yet after im finished bullshitting myself i always sit with this naughty smile. Its as if one part of me has achieved this huge fucking success and its a plain and simple situation: just fuck the rest...
After the hit all i feel is how you feel every day - normal, then for a while you can go on with your life and act quite formal, yet in the back of your mind you are timing for an hour, cause to hold out for longer than that you dont have enough strenght and power. Here by 50 minutes the time starts dragging the fuck along and for this last 10 minutes you have to be really-really strong. You look on the clock and what felt like an hour was only 2 minutes that went past; i mean for the love of god: how long can these 5 minutes actually last...
Another two minutes then you can take your next hit. Wait another 2 whole minutes? Fuck that shit! In my mind im already cooking up in anyway, i can aim for an hour again another day. This battle is like an infant fighting with Mike Tyson or one man taking on a herd of bison? FUUUUCK!! Its a hectic fucking mission to get off this shit, the easiest way is to just say NO the first fucking time round and THATS IT!!!

'I've seen the needle and the damage done. A little part of it in everyone. But every junkie's like a settin' sun.'

Neil young - The needle and the damage done

7 comments:

  1. My first blog about my son was called "The Needle and The Damage Done" from Neil's song. I wish everyone who knew a heroin addict could read your blog and understand what its like.

    I'm thinking of you today as I type this and hoping you can find peace, but know that's so damn easy for me to say and so hard for someone in your shoes to do...but you will...its just a matter of when.

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  2. hey
    I hope ur ok? How long have u been doing this?

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  3. Hi, Only just found your Blog, via Syd's, last night, I read loads of it . . . I was listening to that Neil young song the other day; I kind of disagree really. It makes it sound like we are beautiful and worth watching (like the setting sun) . . we're not at all.
    I'm familiar with this battle, thought I'd got the better of it a few weeks back . . . but I still keep allowing it back in the door; then kick and curse myself. So on and on it goes.
    I just wondered, you know those photos of your foil; why doesn't your gear run long lines like ours, why just little blobs of frazzle? Is it not so good for smoking? just curious.
    Anyway, take care and keep fighting, I know it's hard x

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  4. well ill get there,im not gonna give up cause this isnt me, im probably the strangest addict youll ever meet: i work for my money, if i lend money from someone thn ill pay it back asap and as for stealing, believe it or not but i dont-or let me say not anymore.
    Nxt point: im as fine as an addict can be
    last point: the reason why my gear burns like that is cause for quite a while now ive really been putting alotta effort in2 coming clean and ive just been going 2 worse and worse dealers so the quality is very shit so im sorta bullshitting myself, making myslf believe its gonna b easier 2 come clean BUT since ive bn shooting up again ive gone back to the people wth the quality gear and IF i was 2 chase it ill b able 2 draw pics on the foil wth it but why waste gud smack by chasing it?? God im the king of bullshitting myself.

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  5. H - only about 10yrs maybe even 12 but i know ive bn shooting 4 about 8yrs plus.

    Bugerlugs: U shudnt make it out like we are ugly and or horrible people cause im definately not,if u can change your mind about that then u r on your way 2 leaving it behind(or is tht jsy my opinion??) To live wth smack addiction makes u fucking strong and nuttin on this planet will make u get 2 know urslf bettr thn addiction so...dnt b so hard on urslf, we all make mistakes, some of us jst mre thn others, its the only way 2 learn...

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  6. I don't think we're ugly or horrible people far from it. We're the same as any one else (good and bad) just with an addiction. Though I don't think it helps us to get to know ourselves . . . just to avoid ourselves.
    I'm not hard on myself, I just get a bit pissed off at my weakness when I give into it, as I know I have better days when I don't give into it. That's all.
    Take care x

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  7. i actually disagree with that cause i firmly believe that addiction is the only thing in this world that equalises people and when your crushed down on the ground with nobody and no one around you thats when you start thinking: ive got fuckall BUT what do i have and thats when you start seeing where your morals and your values lay, what you will do and what you wont do and according to me thats where the journey of self-discovery starts, when you know how weak and outta control you can be but out of that blossoms: courage to make the right choice, strenght - to pick yourself up out of this hole and stick with your choice and when you were down and out you get to know where your morals lay, what ull do & what you wont do, BUT thats just me, i understand that each one of us is different but if you know that its a spiritual experience (this whole human experience) then it makes it easier to accept and learn from your mistakes. Once again...thats just me.

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