Thursday, 31 May 2012

Happy happy !?!

Pasing up and fucking down, nirvana blaring in the background, bodies heavy but not sick heavy. This is more of an emotional heavy manifesting from head to toe, constantly hitting myself against the forehead with my sweaty palms. Every single cell in my body putting up a fight, trying to help me not to cook up yet this tiny motherfucking part of me is just fucking going for it. Constantly bullshitting myself that this is the last one and then-NO!,' fuck what about tomorrow morning cause i have to go and work and cant be cotching up and choking on yellow fucking bile whilst breaking out in these fucking cold sweats, barely being able to move. Serving customers at a fucking restuarant; YEAH FUCKING RIGHT! And then the afternoon bullshitting brainwave hits: OH FUCKING WELL i've already used today so i might as well use again tonight after work altho after my last fucking hit at work, i took the spick, broke the needle and the plunger off, twisted the plastic part into its fuck you just before you promised yourself that 'this is my last fucking hit ever!!!!?'
But you were clean, when was is it again? About a week ago? Youve got all the fucking meds you need to come clean, havnt been like really overdoing it this time so how sore and sick can you actually get? Yet you can never be to careful i suppose or rather this other part of me assumes and thats how this vicious cycle of bullshitting yourself goes and its even sadder, more depressing, fucked up and morbid than you can ever imagine. If youve never been in this position i dont think you can even actually begin to just start comprehending as to what the fuck we go through.
One fucking week and im standing right were i was five cunting years ago, so fucking fed up, fucked up, so fucking annoyed at myself that my stomachs knotted, so much ive just thrown away, from a stride in my step to a hunch in my back, just wanting to punch someone but im talking fuck them up good and solid, snapping sound of a nose breaking, blood spraying everywhere, warm blood gently drizzling on your face, the sound of ribs breaking, wind out with that familiar sound of someone just hitting the ground, out cold, body shaking, bruised battered and defeated. Victorious in more ways than one.
Just pick up something and with your bare hands just putting all your energy into just ripping it apart, taking it firmly gripping it in your sweaty palms, white knuckles, all your anger goes into frustaration, trying to snap something in two but its fighting back, slight movement, bit of play, then that sudden that cracking sound and feeling - something snapping, nearly taking half your fucking face off with the force and anger you put in after this huge fucking snap that blared through your ears sounding like a explosion.
Taking it and forcefully trow it against the wall and watch it smach into a million fucking pieces and with all my weight just fucking smash it even more and more, pieces of splinters being ground to dust with the my heel; trampling and turning your foot into the fucking ground so hard that you actually feel it shocking through your whole body. Hurting yourself more and more not sure whether it is to punish you for being such a little cunt and fucking up again or maybe even underlying hate and anger that your channeling through this one session of truly fucking letting go? Boy aint the life of a junkie just fucking great, beautiful and amazing.

'Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.'

Buddha

2 comments:

  1. The life of a junkie is fuckin shite its a crazy world and those outside the circle will neva eva understand x kudos 4 holding down a job tho!! :-)

    C x

    ReplyDelete
  2. And its always ' one last time' I been sayin that years! I undastand the self hatin man we all do it

    ReplyDelete