Sunday, 13 May 2012

Hip-hip-fucking-hooray: it's mothersday

Impossible to explain the hurt, anger, chaos and pain caused by losing your mom when you're still a child, from love, understanding, having a life, a heart, a home to everything fucked up and all things bad just running and roaming wild. I mean there is not much of her i can remember: fragments of smiles, bits and pieces of love and understanding but i just cant seem to piece them together. Sort of like the way my family and my life completely fell apart, nearly as impossible to mend as all the crap caused by my broken heart...
Im not saying that im the only one affected by this tragedy and huge fucking loss, cause after that my whole family lost that shiny happy coat of gloss. Just to be in your arms, protected and knowing everything will always be perfect and fine; but NO! instead i got stuck with a dad with even more issues than me and he tried to numb out with beer and wine. Feeling special every single second of every day but no the universe did its thing and took it all away...
Every single day wanting something you can never ever have again...NEVER! And this fucking tearing and ripping your sanity apart and longing that goes on forever and ever. Just being able to really say sorry for that last fuckup that turned everything upside down and made life so wrong, or maybe even just once again dance with you and sing with you on a favorite song. I mean just hugging you, holding your hand or just seeing you smile - even if its just for 2seconds like really quick; after nearly 25 years you still want all these things you know you cant EVER have or get again - are you really that thick...
Its a loneliness, emptiness and deep darkness i wouldnt even wish upon my worst enemy, cause this empty, chaotic and loveless spot you grew up in is a completely fucked up place to be. And with the support system i had its quite amazing that im still alive today, cause if your used to a cold emotionless life that doesnt feel worth living its not that difficult for you a game of russian roulette to play. I really wonder what my life wouldve been like if you were still with me today, would i still have fucked up my life this good and solid and in the exact same way?...
I love and miss you like crazy and then there is about another million and one things to you i wish i could say. And to those people who has mothers and treat them like shit: you dont know what a luxury it is so make sure you treat your mother as if its always mothersday...

'Well Mother, what the war did to my legs and to my tongue. You should've raised a baby girl, I should've been a better son. If you could coddle the infection they can amputate at once. You should've been, I could have been a better son'

My Chemical Romance - Mama

3 comments:

  1. I lost my mother also at a young age - I was 12... I miss her every day. Ironically, that is the age my own 2 daughters were when I went from "great mom" to "clueless mom." My father wasn't a drinker or in any way neglectful or abusive - but he was also only prefunctory.

    I still have recurring dreams where my mom suddenly shows up and it was all some big misunderstanding, she was alive the whole time, watching over me, proud of me, and my children -I love those dreams. You have to let the bitterness go.

    Here's a song for you - in my mind, the word mom in the lyrics is a metaphor for who ever it is that someone wants approval from... and eventually you have to accept what you get, don't take it personally and keep moving forward.
    Rilo Kiley: Better Son or Daughter
    http://youtu.be/o7N-0I8Y1rk

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  2. i dont think its bitterness cause atleast for a while now i can talk about it\her without feeling angry and covering it with sarcasm and sick humor , i mean i also went through a stage where i thought i would run into her in a shop or somewhere and in my head i wouldnt even ask her where shes been, i would just accept it BUT i realized those pipe dreams would get me nowhere and give me nothing but more pain so...im actually not sure. at the end end of the day everything that happend made me fucking strong and build alotta character so its not all bad...i guess

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    Replies
    1. It's amazing how you can see the good in a terrible situation, I really admire that you for that. Like when you said loosing your mother made you strong and built character, you're right. Sometimes the good part of a situation is just hard to see.

      I can totally relate to you in the sense of living with a, how do I say this, a "troubled" father. My situation is different than yours, but I know how that feels. It feels like shit.

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